Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
