I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
