I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
