I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Did you pee in the oven last night??
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
