Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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