how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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