It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
