My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize