It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
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