Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
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