The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
