Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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