Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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