then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
