You can't motorboat a personality
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
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