going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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