I wish life had little blips of pornography
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
