I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Randomize
