I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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