We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
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