I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
