Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
