Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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