Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
