If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
