Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
