Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
You are a genius and a whore.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
