proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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