I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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