hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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