dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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