id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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