Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Randomize
