Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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