I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
