also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
