I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
he's gonorrhea incarnate
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
