I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Randomize
