I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Randomize
