he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
