If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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