Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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