So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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