I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize