I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
