We named our party play list daddy issues
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
