I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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