White coat. Heels.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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