You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
