i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize