You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
