Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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