You just made me feel so damn special
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
