we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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