i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize