My girlfriend figured out who you are.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
