In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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