upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
