Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
