I smell stomach acid.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
